Pathway

Cleaning the house (yes, anything is truly possible), I came across my stethoscope. It's been tucked away, unused for two years now and holding it, an emotion came over me. I couldn't quite name it but certainly there was an element of sadness, of regret and remembering all that occurred in the past 11 years that led up to this moment. This very point in time.

All that family and personal drama to get me into medicine, to become a doctor and here I am, in a specialty that to the eyes of the world is not what 'doctors' do. Heck, I doubt many people know that pathologists are actually doctors - I know blood collectors who call themselves pathologists and I'm sure that's the general perception.

I wondered how this makes my parents feel. That after having invested so much time, energy and heart into pushing an initially stubborn, then depressed indecisive and hollow teenager into a competitive, stressful and expensive course, fighting every step of the way to get her to cooperate, to do what's good for her future - only for her to end up in an absolutely unglamorous field that requires them to explain to people what is it I do. I know my mum understands. I remember talking to her about it and she agreed it was probably a good place for me. I wonder if she ever felt disappointed that I never went into paediatrics. It used to be something she hoped for me. Not anymore.

My dad didn't quite get it. I'm not sure if he does now. It was as if pathology didn't justify all that money and sacrifices that was poured into shaping my future. We migrated to a foreign country where we had no relatives, no friends. They gave up their lives to make sure us kids could have a better one. They had to start all over at work, in building relationships here, assimilating to what can sometimes be a very frustrating culture. All for what? So they can say they have two daughters - one an architect, the other a doctor? My feeling is that my dad probably wishes he could say the other is a surgeon or cardiologist or pediatrician.  Pathologist just does not have that ring to it.

Certainly I am thankful to have found a specialty that suits me. But holding that stethoscope - I can't help but remember the exhilarating moments, the privilege of witnessing truly amazing people in terrible situations as well as the lows, the emotional beating day in and day out. Of eventually being driven by fear and anger. It was a rollercoaster I'm glad to be off.